Today is a Converse hi-top day, yesterday was Ugg boot day, tomorrow will be sky-scraper stiletto day and Wednesday would definitely have to be a cutesy peep-toe day.

By now it’s pretty obvious that I’m clammering on about shoes. Am I going to use my love of shoes as a metaphor for a relationship? Never! Will I compare womankind’s lust for feet adornment with our feelings towards the opposite sex? Blasphemy!! I’m simply going to put into perspective our uses for different shoes in comparison with the purpose served by the different men we stumble upon at different stages of our lives…

I’ll start with the sneaker, you know the pair, the ones you’ve had for years, the ones who have literally been put through their paces…the all-abiding, long-suffering SNEAKER. Safe, reliable,scruffy but comfy, just like good ‘ol “Four-years-of-what?”. You went through a truck-load, always there when you needed him but it became too comfortable, so much so that you wear a hole through the toe! So you just stop wearing those trainers, you still have them, they’re just too old to wear with functionality but too familiar to throw out. “Four-years-of-what?” still calls, you text him, but for the same reasons as above, that’s as far as it goes.

Then there are those cute pointy court shoes which make you look good in anything, able to transition from office,mall or club in one swift go and with equal style-standing, though not quite formal enough for a huge ‘do. Also quite comfortable, this one definitely refers to Mr.”Nearly-but-not-quite” down to the last detail. Like the shoes, he is a classic – versatile, comfortable, stylish and neat. Makes you feel great anywhere because it’s a relationship built on love and trust. In fact, you didn’t need any other shoes, but you being well, YOU, simply couldn’t resist the next pair flirting with you all glistening and encompassing that new shoe smell (yes, that’s a thing)….

Pointier than the courts, steel-capped and with a notably higher stiletto heel, way more stylish, and makes you look like you mean business and yes..alas..you succumb to it’s allure. That exactly describes what happens with Mr.”Whose-Ego-Is-it-anyway”. sex-appeal-check; high voltage energy & presence-check, x-factor-check. Totally what you need to give yourself a boost at a time when perhaps your self-confidence was lacking.

It’s usually a short but passionate love-affair with those shoes..but like all trendy buys..they go out of style and is replaced with the next big thing on the market..needless to say that pretty much sums up the end of THAT story.

It was now time for my shopping spree, the period in which I went on a spending rampage buying, trying, wearing everything and anything I wanted. I didn’t have any favorites,though, there were adorable kitten heels (“The Saint”), the painful to wear sparkly sandals (Mr.”All-Bling-No-Brain”) and the once-off gorgeous satin ankle-strap sky-scraper stilettos (Mr.”Hot-but-tries-to-hard-to-be-mysterious”) and then the interestingly attractive courts (“Sir.Gab”).

Soon my shoe collection was thriving and I thought nothing more could excite or interest me, then the season changed,fashion changed, and again…I laid my eyes on the most sexed up stilettos I’ve seen: The Clear Heel..It was lust at first sight and I just HAD to have it. As impractical and impossible it seemed to walk on those, kind of as impossible as it was to actually have an intellectual conversation with Mr.”Smoking-Hot-Mitts-For-Brains” I suppose.Like those clear heels , a guy like the “The Bod” doesn’t come come along everyday, so I had to um..grab hold of him when I could..and I did! Every tanned, muscular, toned..ok…Mel! FOCUS!! The shoes had no substance, no depth , it was transparent for petes sake!! So was he, between innings, third base and unmentionables..I don’t remember much about that fling…The shoes are still one of my favorites though, speaking of favorites, the Ugg will always be one of mine.Just as comfy as the sneaker, but warm and safer as well as Uber trendy (for like 5 minutes!) the Ugg is definitely one of a girl’s best friends .No matter how much our boyfriends hate them (guys just don’t understand!). Kind of reminds me of my “Straight-Gay-Best-Friend”. Goes with everything, great all year round and understands you. My Ugg boots are a constant in my wardrobe,so is my SGBF. Staying in boots season, I can think of another of my many favorite boots, the super sexy, super hot knee-high black pointy stiletto, or more lovingly known as the crassly named “F*** Me Boot”. Ooh la la! The ones you only pull out on special occasions when the um..wattage needs to be increased! Nasty girls they are, the dominatrixes of the shoe world which is who you morph into when I see Mr.”In-Between Tide”. Not many of your mates know that you own such a sexy pair of boots, not unlike the agreement/contract between myself and hottie in question, and that’s the way you want to keep it. Alas you have not seen love until you’ve seen those hot-pink Chanel tweed peep-toe stilettos. They’re class incarnate, sexy, sophisticated, conservative but stylish, not one to be worn everyday as the height would cripple you but it is a beautifully crafted shoe..Yes, I am making reference to Mr.”Commitment-Phobe-Cynic”. The first half of the night, you’re confident, stylish,utterly sophisticated,the latter part of the evening,though, is spent tip-toeing on blistered feet all because you forgot one vital rule when it comes to wearing new shoes: It is vital to practice in them first! Exactly my anecdote for “The Cynic”, which I discover many blisters later..on both my feet and my heart!

So you hit the mid-season sales, mark-downs etc donning trainers, flip-flops and Uggs of course, returning home empty handed each time,until you make that dreaded Impulse Buy…

There it was, just unpacked, I wasn’t sure if it suited me, I wasn’t even sure whether it matched any of my clothing, but I was alone, desperate for a fashion fix and had nothing to lose but to take that risk.
I should’ve seen the signs,they were all there, and looking back in retrospect they were all indicating one thing: The shop assistant’s unwillingness to attend to me,the strap breaking at my first attempt of trying it on, the unavailability of my size, all pointing in one direction, but I was determined to have this shoe.I draw congruency to none other that “The Dictator” who else? The signs were evident, me being over-zealous and upbeat at our initial introduction so clearly my judgement was distorted, even the first date should’ve been a prophecy. Could there be a more disastrous first date than on Friday the freaking thirteenth??? I mean, COME on! I ignored the signs and ended up with a shoe that will be out of season quicker than you can say “faux pas” and a guy who didn’t only break your heart but instead broke the record for Biggest Douchebag this side of the galaxy!
The shoes weren’t long term,they’re brown suede platforms,I should’ve known.I DID know.Neither was “The Dictator”, I know about that too but went along with it regardless. An IMPULSE BUY-a complete disregard for common sense and good taste.

Do we women ever think straight when it comes to both shoes and men? Sometimes it seems like all rational thinking is discarded when face with these two vices. Men, like shoes, are our adversaries as well as our friends. EQUALS. No fashion fundi or relationship guru can make sense of this phenomena. One thing is for sure, though, while the opposite sex will forever be a mystery to me, I pride myself in the fact that I’m a woman who knows her Kenneth Coles from her Loubs.




*disclaimer – this is a piece I wrote 8 years ago. Hope whoever reads this has a laugh at my naivety 😉

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About melfunktion

Love child of a lover & a thinker, elegantly flawed, anti-socialite, curious, purveyor of Africanism, a life seeped in music, unashamed soliloquist, androgynous feminist, always dancing on the inside, flowers in hair, heart on sleeve, breathe to create, create to breathe, perpetual goofball, graceful klutz, stars & scars, beats & bars, just a human, being.

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